"Be careful what you wish for", was a favorite quote of my grandmother's. I thought of her words as I met with an upset parent of a sixteen year old. We have been working together for three years. Her son, Ben, was sitting across the table from us with a slight smirk and a mischievous twinkle in his eye. She described how he had taken the money they had sent to school for a field trip and then lied about turning it in. She had just found the opened envelope and signed permission slip in his backpack and was quite angry. Ben simply shrugged his shoulders, "I wanted to buy music at Target. I was thinking of taking the bus." His mom was shocked by his answer. Ben had never broken a rule. She had often said that, unlike his brother who often tested limits, she could always count on Ben doing what he was told. After Ben left the room, I told her how excited I was. "I feel this is a huge step forward for Ben."
Ben is a teenager with autism who has average nonverbal skills but very limited verbal abilities. When I began working with the family, he hesitated before doing anything as if he did not trust his perception of what was going on around him or his ability to determine how to react. He would not eat when a plate was put in front of him until others began to eat, put on a jacket to go outside until told to do so, or walk out the door to get on the bus until prompted by his mother. This was a significant frustration for both parents when we started to work together. "He knows what to do but just won't do it." his father would complain.
We have worked on minimizing prompts and language as he sat uncertain and allowing him the time to decide what to do. We had him contribute to the family by helping to prepare dinner, do the dishes, and help with laundry. His mother stopped waking him in the morning, packing his lunch, and telling him when the bus had arrived and we all celebrated at how well he embraced his new responsibilities and his growing confidence. He no longer waited to be prompted in familiar situations.
Disobedience was the natural next step. Testing the boundaries and making mistakes is what all teenagers need to do and should have the right to do. His ability to openly defy his parents and to then lie to them is the beginning of making decisions for himself. The important thing now was to discipline him in a way that does not squelch his growing confidence. We need to make sure the twinkle remains in his eye. The days of not having to worry about Ben breaking the rules have ended, but the life of a more independent and confident teen have begun.
Julia Watson has been a certified RDI consultant since 2012 and is providing RDI to families through the school system for Prince Georges County Public Schools in Maryland. Currently she is working as an autism specialist for middle school and high school students on the spectrum.