I have been teaching my son to drive for the last few months. As I sorted out my struggles to be a good driving coach I began to see a similarity between my experience and the experiences of parents of children with autism.
I often use driving as an example of the need for both static and dynamic intelligence. We need static rules that we follow without thinking, like stopping at stops signs, using turn signals, and adjusting mirrors for proper vision. But there is so much dynamic intelligence needed as well, like monitoring and adjusting to the speed and amount of traffic, managing to take turns with other drivers at a broken traffic light, and figuring out what to do when the road is unexpectedly closed for construction. These are the times that require thinking and dynamic decision making.
My daughter is 8 years older than my son and I taught her to drive before becoming an RDI® consultant. I have been using my memories of teaching her to drive as an example of guiding. I took her to a parking lot to reduce what she had to deal with (framing). She was the driver and I was the “boss”, at least at first (assigning roles). I guided her to look ahead at the middle of her lane in order to stay in her lane (scaffolding). We assessed her growing skills and revised by moving to side streets, to the main road, to the highway as she was ready (edge +1), giving her opportunities to be more in charge as she was ready (dynamic decision making).
Now I am teaching my son to drive and wondering how on earth I have memories of being such a competent guide when teaching my daughter. I am all over that boy with endless, repeated, minute, detailed static instructions for everything! It is a wonder he is still willing to drive with me in the car. When my husband is in the front seat with my son and I am in the back, I cannot keep my mouth shut, even though we agree that there can be only one parent in charge at a time.
What happened to me? What changed? I certainly had some anxiety when teaching my daughter, much as we all have anxiety about parenting our children. We want to provide what they need to be safe drivers on the road and in life. We want them to grow up to be independent, to have a job and relationships, and to have a happy life.
The answer is that I changed. My anxiety about driving the car has gone through the roof after my brother was killed in a car accident three years ago. Now, frankly, I am terrified for my son. How can I ensure that he will have all the skills he needs to be a safe driver, to be able to handle the car and respond to the actions of other drivers and to cope with the expected and unexpected occurrences on the road? Maybe I could teach him everything he needs to know. I could anticipate every possible thing that could happen and make a rule, an instruction for that event and practice those rules over and over and over again.
You see where I am going with this? You may, but I didn’t. I was being driven by fear and responding in a way that would help him pass his driver’s test but was woefully inadequate for giving him the competence at dynamic decision making he will need on the road. It dawned on me that this must be a taste of what many parents of children with autism experience. Fear for their child’s future pushes an agenda of primarily static intelligence development, trying to give the child the skills s/he needs to pass the various “tests” of life, from learning how to go the grocery store to being able to execute the proper social rules in a group situation. If the road of life would remain straight and smooth and highly predictable , this would be a workable approach. But life’s road is made of bumps and curves, construction and other drivers, and unmarked detours are often necessary.
Well, it is yet another example of how my RDI® training has helped me in so many aspects of life. I have been working to slow myself down, to mindfully decide when direct instruction is needed and when to build in real life experience where he can make authentic decisions, under the umbrella of my safe oversight. It is not perfect. There was an occasion when I did not give enough oversight and he ran into the mailbox backing out of the driveway. Sometimes I still give too much instruction too quickly instead of giving him the time to think and react himself (“Mom, I see him!”). I don’t have to be perfect. I just have to be good enough. It is hard, very hard. But soon he will have his license and I will not be in the car. Yes, I want him to remember all rules that I taught him. But he must also be able to function dynamically and independently in order to be a safe and successful driver.
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Pat Voytko is an RDI® Consultant, special education teacher and early intervention provider. RDI® has become the foundation of all her work as it focuses on the natural process of developing relationships, which, in turn, supports social/cognitive development and an improved quality of life.