"Mindful guiding is a very deliberate
process. It has a clear intention. So when we engage in guiding we
are intending to increase neural complexity and trying to build the foundations
of dynamic intelligence. We go one step at a time. To be careful and
thoughtful requires preparation and evaluation." Dr. Steven Gutstein
When you are with your child, what do you say and do?
Below are examples of interactions between parents and children displaying different levels of mindfulness.
Mom 1:
"Yuck" says Saritaas her son puts a cake of soap in his mouth. She freezes with this expression on her face so she is affirming that it did not taste good and it is not something one eats.
Mom 2:
Jo calls out loudly to her daughter Rumi who is busy hitting a plastic
water bottle against the table. "Why don't you stop it! What do you want,
Rumi?" Jo questions. After a minute of reflection, she realizes what Rumi is requesting and states, "Ohhhh!, Rumi wants water?" while taking
the water bottle out of her hands. "I'll open it!" Jo says as she opens the bottle and
pours some in a glass. Rumi drinks the water and Jo physically moves her towards
the fridge saying, "Close the bottle, keep it in the fridge, Open the door, keep the
bottle". Rumi does this following Jo's instruction and turns to move away. Jo snaps "Close the door! Good job!"
Mom 1:
Sarita notices her son hitting a bottle of water against the table. She moves towards the table with another bottle and opens it slowly, saying "I'm thirsty". She slowly pours the water in a glass. Her son stops and looks at her so she smiles and tilts the glass in his direction with an inviting "want some?" expression. He leaves the bottle he was hitting, comes to her and sips from the glass. She comments"Cold water, I love it too." She then pours some more for him and for herself in another glass. They drink and share a smile. Her son then runs off and she is okay with that. She is working on small moments of mindfulness.
Mindful moments
The above moms want their children to become an apprentice who is interested in
learning about the world through and with her. Mom understands that he is currently
experiencing things now to meet his needs and not as a way to share and learn
through her. So she is slowing down each sensory experience in
order to create a meaningful shared moment that her son can learn from. She focuses on providing sensory experiences through touch but in a mindful guiding way so her son begins understanding her and learning about these
sensations and feelings through and with her. She wants to be able to change
his thinking - from impulsively seeking to experiences with her as the guide.
In order to do this, she ensures she sets limits when something is not
acceptable.
She also limits distractions and slows things down so the child's focus is with
her and not on the task. If she knows he is seeking touch, she provides that experience in a mindful way. For
example, when in the tub they feel the water together and splash it
about. However, when she is getting ready to pour his milk from the jug she lets him know it is not for splashing.
Autism is a lack of mindfulness
RDI is a process of building one's mind and creating a pathway for thinking
When you are an RDI Mom:
- You want to be mindful about what you say and do with your child.
- You begin by recognising your triggers and your child's triggers.
- You remain non-judgmental of experience e.g.: Not criticizing yourself for having irrational or inappropriate emotions.
- You perceive feelings and emotions without having to react to them. From this place of heightened awareness, you are able to respond after processing as you begin to create opportunities for your child to feel safe and to be perceived as an active participant along with accepted and competent.
- You focus on mental engagement and use carefully planned authentic activities just as a vehicle.
- You are witness to how mindfulness reduces emotional reactivity and improves resilience. As your child becomes more mindful and as his ability to think dynamically increases, his ability to communicate increases.
This all starts with you.
Try this exercise today:
Step back and listen to yourself. Record a 5 minute interaction with your child where you are getting him to do something then listen to the audio. How do you feel about the communication? Are you doing all of the work to keep the interaction going? What's the tone of the interaction: are you teaching, commanding, begging, bribing or inviting, respectful, sharing?
It certainly will get you thinking!
From an RDI mom used as an example above, "I feel good that I am moving my son towards mindfulness step by step." says Sarita, "RDI feels like such natural, mindful parenting."
Sarita continues, "RDI is just like regular parenting, just more mindful and deliberate. Self reflection can be hard - I have to be mindful about what I say, how I say it...with the ongoing support and guidance from my consultant, I am able to be mindful about things I am not usually mindful about. I know that this is a process of learning and growing and I am happy with how far it's brought our family and our son."
The mind is like tofu. By itself, it has no taste. Everything depends on the flavor of the marinade it steeps in. ~Reb Zalman Schachter-Shalomi
Carol Subramani, Certified RDI® Program Consultant
Carol Subramani is passionate about RDI and enjoys supporting families in their journey of remediation and improving quality of life for the whole family. She takes a keen interest in holistic and neurodevelopmental intervention for children with ASD. You can reach Carol at carolsubramani@gmail.com